Big Time Kames Angst
by UndefinedBrothers
Summary: First story I ever wrote. Check it out!
1. Chapter 1

His smile disgusts me. It's so bright and happy and perfect. It makes me sick. Okay, I'm lying. James Diamond's smile is probably my 2nd favorite thing in the world, next to James Diamond himself. This is the first entry in my journal, aka; my confessions.

This all started in Kindergarten back in Minnesota, where we are from. I saw some big goon push him into the playground and I felt so bad that I punched the jerk right in the mouth! Since then James and I have been inseparable. As we got older, we added Logan and Carlos to our little circle and the four of us were the best of friends. It was perfect, because we all brought something different to the group. I was the athletic bad boy, Logan was the genius, Carlos was stupid, and James...James was James. There were few people who actually didn't like James. On top of the fact that he was tall, muscular, and effing hot, he was also the kindest person in the entire world. I don't think I have ever met anyone as kind and innocent as James, and that innocence made me want to protect him. So I did. For years, I was like his big brother. When one of his many girlfriends broke his heart, I got my other girl friends to shun her. When his father acted like a jerk, I held him while he cried, and when his nerves got the best of him, I made sure his dream came true.

It was December of 2009 when Gustavo Rocque came to town. He was looking for the next hot rock star, and James was ecstatic! For moral support, Carlos, Logan, and I all went to the audition with him. Unfortunately, Gustavo turned out to be a giant turd! So, I lost my temper and sang-ugh-the turd song. Oddly enough, Gustavo was impressed and offered me a chance to record a demo. James was so crushed that he didn't talk to me for a whole day. It was the worst thing in the world, and I sobbed in my bed all that night. The next time, I tried to be cool, but James' icy looks were heart-breaking. That is when the idea occurred to me.

"I'm going to accept," I announced to the boys, earning a snarl from James, "But only if you can all come and form a rock group with me." James eyes lit up like a child on Christmas and that is when I knew I was in love with him. I think it was the look of pure joy in his eyes that did it for me. Honestly, I'm not really sure. So in the next few months, we found ourselves in a whirlwind of excitement and fame. It's been one full year since Gustavo plucked us from our small town lives and whisked us away to Los Angeles, and one full year since I realized I love James.

After we moved, James and I became closer than ever. We shared a room at the Palmwoods, we were always next to each other when we performed, and when we went to clubs, I was his wing man. Lucky me, I got to hear the sounds of wild lust and ecstasy from whatever slut James brought home that night. I swear he had already been with over a hundred girls, at age 16. The worst part was knowing he would never be with me. Night after night, I heard him in his room with some slutty girl and it started to build this pressure in my brain and that pressure began turning to resentment. Resentment for James.

After six months, I felt nothing but resentment for James, and when he asked to hang out I started refusing. From today, its been at least seven weeks since we last hung out, and it's been at least two weeks since we've had a conversation. Every time he comes anywhere near me, I give him the nastiest look I can and the hurt in his eyes breaks my heart but what can I do? I have to break his spell over me. Today was the first time my rift with James actually affected our performing, and so I decided to write out all my feelings so maybe I could feel better. We were singing "Nothing Even Matters" and the lyrics just overwhelmed me and so I pushed James out of my way and ran out of the room. I'm not sure of anything else because I sort of blacked out. I know that Gustavo was pissed, and James was confused but neither have said anything to me and it's been three hours already. Logan knocked on my door, and opened it before I could say anything. When he was done I was in such a state of shock that I could say nothing.

"I know you love James," he growled, "but this has all gone too far. You have no right to push him and screw us up because he doesn't love you back. It's your own damn fault for not saying anything, anyways. You need to do something about all this tension, before I do." Without another word, he was gone and I sat alone on my bed for the next few hours.

A knock on the door startled me, and Carlos walked in. He looked so concerned and I knew what he was going to say was serious, he wasn't wearing his helmut.

"Kendall," Carlos pleaded, "Talk to me."

"What about," I asked flippantly.

"Don't give me that attitude," he snapped in a tone that made me jump, "I am here, despite your assaulting James, to help you. I know something is bothering you, and I think I have a good idea of what it is. I know Logan gave you some sort of lecture, so I won't. I want to be there for you. Just talk to me."

"No," I whimpered, "I just can't"

"I figured as much," he said in a matter of fact voice, "So I got you something." From behind his back he pulled a leather bound notebook with my name engraved on the front, "I got this for you a couple days ago, and was going to wait until Christmas but after today-"

"Thank you," I smiled, "I love it." I stood up and gave Carlos a one armed hug and sat back down. Carlos left, but as he was leaving he bumped into James, who was just coming in. I guess I couldn't say anything, it was his room too. He sat on his bed, facing me, as if waiting for me to talk. To break the tension, I did.

"What," I sneered.

"I want to know what your problem is," James whispered, "I want to help. I don't care about today, I just want to help you. You're my best friend."

I said nothing, so he went on. "Kendall, what did I do? Is it because of all the girls? They like you too, but you don't seem to care."

"Did you ever think," I growled, "that maybe I just hate you so much that the thought of being around you makes me want to puke. I have no problem except my absolute disgust and hatred for you." I stood up and walked towards him, "You stupid, insignificant little pretty boy. Nobody loves you, especially me, so just shut up and get out."

I don't know why I said it, but I've never heard someone sob so hard before. It was the sound of someone who was completely broken and I couldn't help but feel as though I had won.

-The End-


	2. Chapter 2

James' POV

That asshole! Kendall Knight is the biggest jerk in the entire world! I can think of nothing but his last words to me. They play in my mind, on repeat, louder and louder each time. As I stand alone, naked, and cold, in the bathroom I wonder if he is right. Am I just a pretty face? It is hard to tell right now, my eyes are red and swollen and my face is covered in tears and snot. Actually, I look pretty gross.

I wiped off my face, and composed myself. My mother, ever the Queen of appearances, taught me to never let anyone see me as less than perfect, even if I want to crawl in a hole and die. When I left the bathroom, Kendall was gone. Where he went is of little to no concern to me. Okay, that's a lie. I couldn't hate him, not when I was in debt to him forever. Every cent I made, every little bit of fame and adoration was owed to him. Listen to me, even after he told he of his hatred, I am still singing his praises. I guess Kendall has always been my addiction, and my weakness. His temper endeared him to me, I used to feel like I understood it. God, even though he just completely broke me, I still sing his praises loudly. What is the matter with me? Why am I defending him? Why do I always defend him...

For years, my father and I did not get along. I didn't have any siblings, so when I met Kendall it was like having a big brother. Sure, he was grumpy and kind of mean, but somehow I still knew I could always depend on him. Even when we played hockey, and he was so much better than me, I still felt safe with him on the ice. He was my protector, my angel. Never in a million years would I have suspected it was just pity. I honestly thought he loved me. I guess I was wrong.

I know I said Kendall was like a big brother, but he was more than that. Kendall was a God. His confidence was my shield. His big green eyes were my reassurance, and his strength was my own. I leaned on him for everything. Whenever I felt weak, I went to Kendall and he lifted me higher than I had ever been. He gave me dignity and self worth that I have never felt before. I guess it's because of that that he was able to take it all from me. My dignity was his own. Now, I am left with nothing but love. Love for someone who would prefer I not be alive anymore. Perhaps I should give him what he wants.

I rose from the bed and walked towards the door. A numb neutrality washed over me as I opened it and stepped out. I saw my old friends watching television quietly. I saw my mother figure reading, and her daughter obsessing over her stock portfolio. They said nothing as I walked towards the exit of the apartment. There is an odd sense of calm in knowing your life is over.

As I walked I noticed my reflection in the mirrors of the hallway. Gone was any trace of happiness, or life. My eyes held no sparkle. I tried one last time to feel something other than pain, but I couldn't. I walked down the stairs, where nobody would see me. I walked into the lobby, where I was ignored. I walked out the front doors, and down the sidewalk towards the road. At the end of the Palmwoods property was a bench. I sat down so I could decide how I was going to end my life, but another thought took over. Why was I doing this over Kendall? Why was he, after all the horrible things people said about me, the one to break me? Maybe he saw something that I didn't. It was that moment I realized that Kendall hated me because he could tell I was in love with him. He must have known before I did, and that's why he grew to hate me. I honestly thought I was straight. I had had sex with over 30 girls and never did I have a single thought about any guy, even Kendall. Maybe it was all just me, not being able to accept the truth about myself. After all these years, I finally realized that all my affection, weakness, and addiction to Kendall Knight was actually love. Actually saying it to myself made it even worse. I rose from the bench, more determined to end my life then ever. I walked back into the Palmwoods and back to 2J. Carlos stood up when I walked in, but I ignored his obvious attempts to talk to me. I walked into my room, and shut the door. In the bathroom, I knew there would be razors, but before I had something else to take care of. I sat on my bed and pulled out paper and a pen and began writing.

_My dearest Kendall,_

_Nothing, for me, has been more devastating than hearing the words that came out of your mouth. Words, so horrible, I can't even repeat them now despite the fact that I can think of nothing but them. I was angry at you before, but now I understand and agree with everything. I am nothing but weak, and in your way. For that, I apologize. Now, I will admit what I suspect you've known for some time. I love you Kendall Knight. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything, and if I thought there was any chance of you returning that love, it would undo any pain I have ever felt. I guess it doesn't matter know. I hope you are happy, and that you have everything you have ever wanted. Wherever I end up, I will be thinking of you and praying for your happiness._

_With all the love I am capable of,_

_James_

I folded the paper and left it on his pillow. I bent down and sniffed his sheets. I know it's creepy but I was about to die, and his scent was unique! I wonder what it is? It smells like man sweat, pine, and something else. I'm not sure. I walked into the bathroom, and sure enough there was a razor. I grabbed it and dragged down my tanned arm. First one and then the other. It stung, but it was a good sting. As my own blood poured from my arms and soaked my shirt, pants, and the floor, I began to sing

"_We're halfway there, looking good now. Nothing-"_

White spots appeared before me and I sank to the floor with a hard thump. Unconscious.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Logan POV

James' blood was on my hands. I don't remember calling the ambulance, or comforting Carlos and Mrs. Knight. I don't remember the car ride to the hospital. I just know that I was standing outside James' room with his blood on my hands and clothes. I walked calmly to the mens restroom, and began washing my friends blood from my body. That's when everything hit me.

"_Oh god," I cried, "James, please don't be dead! James?" He didn't move. I checked for a pulse, but couldn't find one. I began CPR, as I used my shoulder to hold my cell phone to my ear._

I didn't want to remember anymore, but the scene played over and over again in my head. The blood was off my hands, but my shirt was forever stained. I'm not sure how someone who lost that much blood could still be alive. I dried my hands, and reached in my pocket for my cellphone. Instead I felt something else. I pulled out a piece of paper with Kendall's name on it. It was the note I found on Kendall's bed right before I found James. I opened it and read to myself. The words jumped off the page and hit me so hard I began sobbing hard. I fell to the floor of the restroom, shaking. I felt arms lift me up. I looked up and saw Carlos. He was holding me and rocking me back and forth as I wept.

It must have been at least an hour before I was calm, and able to stand. Carlos' shirt was wet from my tears, but he just smiled in an understanding way. I saw him pick up the note off the floor, and read it. His lip began quivering and his eyes welled. I put my hand under his chin and my lips brushed his.

"What was that," he asked, "Why did you kiss me?"

"It seemed like the right thing to do at the time," I responded.

"Logan," he proclaimed, "Are you acting on impulse? I'm surprised at you!"

"Carlos," I laughed, "Using words like impulse! I'm surprised at you!"

We laughed quietly and then an awkward silence fell. He looked at me, and I felt great sadness. Despite him being right in front of me, I missed him. I looked at the ground, unsure of what to do. This time it was he who tipped my head up and kissed me. I wrapped my arms around him, and felt like he was my harness on a mountain. It was the most safe feeling in the world, and I reveled in it. His lips were soft, and the kiss was innocent. Intense, but innocent. He pulled away, but I grabbed him and pulled him close again.

"We have to check on James, " he smiled, "But I get the point."

I laughed and we left the restroom. Down the hall, Mrs. Knight stood stone-faced as she looked through the window at James. I could tell she felt as though it was her own son laying in the hospital bed. Carlos and I hugged her, and she began to cry. I felt as though it were my own mother that I was comforting.

"Where is Kendall," she asked, "Why isn't he here?"

"Mrs. Knight," Carlos began, "We have no idea where Kendall is. He left sometime this morning, and we haven't been able to find him."

"Do you think he is okay," Mrs. Knight asked.

"Yes," I responded, "He got in a fight with James, and then this happened."

"You mean to tell me that James did this because of something Kendall did," she screamed.

"Um," Carlos was scared, "Yes, this is because of Kendall."

"That brat," she exploded, "You go find him now! Tell him his mother is going to rip him a new one of he doesn't get his ass in here!"

"Yes ma'am," Carlos and I scrambled to get away from the wrath of Mrs. Knight.

Kendall POV

The hot sun beat down on my back as I walked furthur and furthur away from the Palmwoods. Where the hell was everyone, I wondered. I pulled out my blackberry, and tried to call James, but he didn't respond. I didn't blame him. I had to apologize to him. I had to tell him what I really meant. I had to tell him before I left.

"_Gustavo," I called, "Can we talk?"_

"_Sure," he rolled his eyes, "What do you want?"_

"_I am repaying you every cent you spent on me," I announced, "and I am going back to Minnesota."_

"_You can't leave," Gustavo yelled, """What about Big Time Rush? What about your friends? What about James?"_

"_What," I was confused, "What does James have to do with anything?"_

"_Anyone who knows you can tell you love him," Gustavo said evenly, "Except James. Who everyone knows, loves you back. Everyone knows that accept you. You're both stupid. If you want to leave, and be stupid, fine. But don't think you can just come back whenever you want."_

"_I have no intentions of coming back," I stated and walked out._

I felt my phone vibrate, and I looked down. Carlos was calling me again. I decided to answer this time, only because I wanted to know where everyone was. Our conversation was brief. I was in such a state of shock, I don't even know how I got to the hospital or to James' room. A hard slap from my mother pulled me out of that shock. Logan handed me a letter, and I recognized James' handwriting. When I finished reading I felt like the wind had been punched out of me.

"Is James going to live," I asked. Nobody answered. I assumed it meant that he would not. I walked into his room and saw him hooked up to tons of different machines, and wires. It was not a pretty sight, but he still looked so beautiful. He looked so peaceful, I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't. I couldn't believe that I was responsible for this. James wanted to end his life because of me and because of that I would never forgive myself.


	4. Chapter 4

Carlos POV

I'm not stupid. I know a lot of people think I am, but I'm not. I knew Kendall and James loved each other before Logan did. Hell, I figured out before Kendall and James! That's why I bought them both journals. I thought if they stopped and thought about everything, they would realize their true feelings. Maybe that's not the best idea, but at least I tried. Never, in a million years, did I expect this to happen. I can't help but feel like it's my fault that James is near death.

I woke up relatively early so I could visit James. I called Rocque Records for a town car since I hadn't gotten around to getting my license. On the way to the hospital, a song came on the radio and it really made me think. It was by Jewel, who is now a favorite of mine.

_Dreams last so long, even after you're gone_

_I know you love me, and soon you will see_

_You were meant for me, and I was meant for you_

What the hell could have happened that James would have wanted to die. Didn't he know how much Kendall loved him? No two people were better suited for each other, including Logan and I. The town car stopped in front of the hospital and the driver opened the door for me. I stepped out and walked in, everything was silent. As I neared James' room I saw a doctor exiting.

"How is he," I asked, "It's been two days and we haven't been allowed in yet."

"James is recovering," the doctor explained, "Grade 2 shock is quite serious, and the damage done to the tendons in his hand is still being monitored. We need to make sure his heart is going to be okay, and that no further damage is done. We'll be able to determine whether or not he can have visitors in a few hours and we'll need to decide what further action to take when his mother arrives."

"Okay," I whispered, "But is he going to live?"

"Honestly," the doctor intoned, "It could go either way at this point. James lost a lot of blood."

The doctor walked away, and I looked around to make sure nobody was near me. I didn't want anyone to see what I was about to do. I walked to James' door and opened it. Kendall had done it earlier, and everything was fine. Maybe because no one saw him, and James was unconscious. I stepped inside, and held my breath, but nothing could prepare me for what I saw. I began to cry as I realized James was gone.

Logan POV

Life is all about learning, and if anything, I learned that you should never keep your feelings for somebody a secret. I woke up at 9:00 and the first thing I noticed is that Carlos was not in his bed. I looked all around the apartment, but I didn't see him anywhere. I went back to our room, and looked at my phone. One new text, from Carlos. Apparently, he went to see James. As far as I knew the only person who was able to get in and see James was Kendall, but he was severely scolded by the doctors who warned us that if anyone else went into James' room that we would all be banned. I guess I understand.

Since the hospital, Kendall has refused to speak to anyone. I only wish he would talk to me so I could get some sort of understanding as to what happened. James seems pretty tough so, for him to kill himself, something horrible must have happened. If I knew what happened, maybe I could help James and Kendall feel better. I decided it was time for answers and walked over to Kendall's door and without knocking, I opened it. He was asleep, in James' bed. I noticed he had James' lucky v-neck on and an empty bottle of Cuda man spray. The scene overwhelmed the room. Kendall opened his eyes, and jumped.

"You scared the hell out of me," he proclaimed, "What the fuck are you doing here, Logan? I said I didn't want to talk to anyone.

"Too damn bad," I growled and threw the empty bottle of Cuda against a mirror, shattering it. Kendall actually looked terrified, "You are going to tell me what the fuck happened now, or I swear I will make sure you're in a hospital bed next to James."

"Damn," Kendall winced, "I've never seen you so vicious."

"Well I have never felt so pissed before," I sneered, "Now, talk."

"Okay," Kendall began and relayed the story of him, breaking and shattering James. When he was done talking, we both were crying hard. I couldn't believe what he said to me. I was not in love with James, but for someone so naive and innocent to be told the things Kendall told him, by someone who James loved that much, must have destroyed him.

"You have to tell him the truth," I stated bluntly, "It's the only way to heal him."

"I feel bad," Kendall whimpered, "I don't know why I did it."

"Right now," I replied, "I don't give a damn. I want to help James, and that is it. We can all deal with your lack of human feelings later. Until then, I hope you feel like shit."

"I do," Kendall droned as tears filled his green eyes. For a moment, I began to feel compassion for him. It couldn't be easy watching the person you love almost die, even if it's your own damn fault. I walked over to Kendall, and put my arms around him.

"Sorry I'm being so mean," I explained, "I just feel so bad for James. You really hurt him."

"I know," Kendall began to cry harder, "I just love him so much." I was going to respond with something comforting but I was distracted by the front door of the apartment opening and then slamming shut. I figured it was Carlos, pissed off about the whole James situation. I walked out so I could say something comforting to him but as I reached the staircase I saw something unexpected. James Diamond was standing in the front hallway looking pale, and weak.

"I'm home," he stuttered weakly before collapsing on the floor.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Kendall and Logan heard the front door to 2J slam shut, and figured it was Carlos. Both boys ran out to greet him, thinking that he would be very upset. Kendall stopped short seeing a very pale, and sick looking, James stand below them. James looked up and saw Kendall. He whispered something incoherent before collapsing on the floor below. Both boys ran down the steps, but Logan reached him first. Kendall moved to lift James, but Logan stopped him.

"Don't," he yelled, "Something could be really wrong, moving him could make it worse. Just grab a pillow." Kendall grabbed a small pillow from the couch, but instead of using it to prop James' head up he decided to just put James' head in his lap. He cradled it softly and felt tears well up in his eyes. He truly loved James more than anything and hated himself for allowing this to happen to him. If he had only just told James that he loved him, James wouldn't be on the verge of death. His tears fell on James face, so he wiped them away. James felt so warm, it didn't seem healthy. Kendall wondered what the hell was taking Logan so long, but just then the genius boy returned with a phone. He called 911, and then went off to find a first aid kit. He brought it back and pulled out a thermometer. James' temperature was 103.

"He has a fever," Logan declared, "This is bad. He must have gotten an infection or something." James began convulsing violently in Kendall's lap and the boy began crying loudly. Logan tried to console him, while taking care of James, but it wasn't easy. He pulled Kendall away from James, and put the unused pillow under his head. Kendall laid on the floor sobbing while Logan tried to get James to stop convulsing. He had read somewhere that it helped to loosen the victims clothing so he used surgical scissors from the first aid kit to cut James' t-shirt off. Even in that moment, he couldn't help but be slightly aroused by James' intensely amazing body. It was well-defined and tan.

"Stop," Logan told himself, "You need to focus." There was a knock at the door, but it opened and Carlos stepped in. Behind him was a team of Emergency response people armed with medical gear to help James. The crew hoisted James on a stretcher and did their work before they quickly wheeled him away. The three boys ran after them. Kendall climbed into the ambulance, and Logan and Carlos ran off towards Logan's car. The screaming ambulance sped away, leaving an astounded audience.

In the ambulance, Kendall held James' hand as the medical crew worked diligently, and swiftly. Kendall's tears blurred his vision, but James was always in his sight. Even blinking was painful for him, as anything that kept him from looking at James was painful. He kissed the pretty boys hand, trying to think of anything he could do to help. Suddenly he remembered something James once told him when they were younger. It had been a really rough night, but Kendall still remembered every word James said.

"_I love when you sing," James smiled, "You have the most soothing voice. I swear, it could solve all my problems. If ever I seem upset or depressed, just sing to me and I'll feel better."_

"The world stops when I put my arms around you," Kendall sang, "and nothing even matters. Nothing even matters." He couldn't go on because he kept getting choked up. The ambulance came to a screeching halt, and before Kendall could even think, James was out of the ambulance and in the hospital. He climbed out of the ambulance, slowly, and walked over to an empty hospital bench. He saw Logan and Carlos walking up from the parking lot, but didn't acknowledge them.

"Is he okay," Carlos panicked, "I went to his room, and he was gone! I didn't know what to do!"

"It's okay," Logan said soothingly, "We all did the best we could. Maybe James is more sick than we all realized."

"I didn't do the best I could," I cried, "I was his best friend, and I knew exactly how to break him and I did! James will never recover. I've killed him. I thought I loved him, but the way I treated him is not love. It's evil, horrible, and obsessive."

"Hey," Carlos smiled, "You love James, and he loves you. He will be fine! Just have patience."

"I deserve to lose him," Kendall growled, and ran off. Carlos wanted to run after him, but Logan stopped him.

"James will be probably be in surgery for awhile," Logan said, "Lets just go back to my car and see if anyone has been able to get a hold of Mrs. Diamond." The two boys walked back through the parking lot to Logan's black Lincoln Navigator. They climbed into the back seat and Carlos pulled out his phone. Before dialing Mrs. Knight, he pushed the speakerphone button.

"Hello," Mrs. Knight answered, "Is everything okay, Carlos? Where is everyone? I heard an ambulance was here. Is it Kendall?"

"No," Carlos replied, "It was James, he escaped and tried to come home."

"It's Logan," Logan spoke up, "He had some sort of fever. Mrs. Knight, where is Mrs. Diamond?"

"She is on a flight right now," Mrs. Knight responded, "She just got our messages, and she should be landing soon. Don't worry boys, I am on my way." Carlos pushed end, and threw his phone into the passenger seat before settling in the crook of Logan's arm. He nuzzled his face into Logan's chest and inhaled his clean scent. It was a scent that was just so...Logan. Carlos looked up at him and instinctively pushed his lips into the other boys, who responded with a gentle kiss of his own. They, begrudgingly, pulled away.

"Things are bad," Carlos said as tears dripped from his big brown eyes.

"Not everything is bad," Logan offered in a sweet tone. He climbed over Carlos and positioned himself on top of him. Carlos' eyes grew wide, unsure of what Logan had in mind. Logan saw this, and was amused. He placed several kisses along the innocent boys jawline before moving to his mouth. Carlos melted into the deep kiss, unaware that Logan was undoing the buttons on his khaki pants. It wasn't until Carlos felt a deep surge of electric in his groin that he even realized that Logan had his hand in his pants and was working the boys hardening member. Logan grinned as Carlos' eyes grew even wider than before. He continued as Carlos writhed in pleasure beneath him. The sight of Carlos' carnal lust was causing his own sex stick to harden. He pulled away from Carlos, who began to whimper, and pressed his body against him. Logan ground his hips into Carlos, slowly, and began kissing him in a deep, lustful kiss. Carlos never felt anything like it.

"I'm not sure if I want to do this," Carlos said quietly, "It feels amazing, but I'm just not sure. Are you mad at me?"

"No," Logan laughed, "It's totally okay. I just wanted to make you feel better."

"You already did," Carlos grinned, "You're the only bright spot of this entire week. Kendall has made me realize that you shouldn't hide how you feel."

"I agree," Logan said, "But sometimes, if you are unsure, maybe it's not best to say anything."

"Okay," Carlos stated, "But I am sure, now more than ever. Maybe, I was afraid before and maybe you are still afraid but, after everything, nothing else matters. I love you, Logan Mitchell. I love you more than anything in the entire world. I'm not afraid of that love, anymore, and I don't care what anyone else says."

"You are so amazing," Logan drawled, "You have the courage that I don't have. You have the courage to say what I felt, but was terrified of. Carlos Garcia, you are my everything. I love you too, and I want nothing more than to be with you."

"Just not in a car," Carlos laughed, "I saved myself for you, Logan, now all I ask is that you make it special."

"Anything for you, Carlitos!"

"Who would have ever thought we would be the ones to have everything figured out," Carlos laughed as he settled into the seat. There was a knock on the tinted window, and Logan lowered it. Before them stood a tall, thin woman, more stunning than any other woman they had seen before. They recognized her as Brooke Diamond, Queen of Midwestern Cosmetics.

"Well you boys have certainly been busy," She grinned, "I knew it was only a matter of time before you four became little couples. I always knew Kendall was perfect for my Jamesy."

"Mrs Diamond," Logan greeted her, "It is always a pleasure to see you."

"Mrs Diamond," Carlos cried happily, "I'm sixteen now, and I'm in a band, and I go to school!"

"Carlos, you haven't changed a bit," Brooke intoned nasally, "Now, if you two are done with your little hormone exchange, we need to go find my son. Where the hell is Kendall? Logan, call him."

"Of course," he replied in a tone that screamed of a scolded child. Brooke Diamond was terrifying. They crossed the parking lot and entered Cedars-Sinai. The boys, knowing where James' room was, lead Mrs. Diamond. She followed quickly. They stood outside for a minute, before she lost her patience and entered the room. After a minute, a doctor rushed out quickly, looking scared for his life.

"Nurse," he called, "Get that boy into a private suite, immediately."

"Of course," the nurse replied, and ran off quickly. The staff was no stranger to celebrities and their diva tantrums. Of course, this diva was only being difficult because she didn't know how to show pain or grief. She exited her son's room and sat on a nearby chair. Her eyes, blank. Her mouth, closed. She struggled to maintain composure.

"Brooke," a female voice called. It was Mrs. Knight. She walked to the chair Brooke was sitting in and sat down next to her, "I'm so sorry about your son."

"Yeah," Brooke sneered, "Well, you should be. What the hell is going on out here, Jennifer? You're supposed to be looking after our sons, yet mine is laying in a hospital bed."

"Because he tried to kill himself," Jennifer responded coldly, "It seems dramatic antics run in the family."

"And it seems that self righteous indignation runs in yours," Brooke growled back, "If your son was even half a man, my son wouldn't be here right now and if you were even remotely close to being in the same hemisphere of being a good mother-"

This earned a hard slap across the face, from Jennifer to Brooke. Jennifer immediately apologized and stood up to walk away. Brooke grabbed her hand.

"Don't," Brooke said evenly, "I'm sorry, too. I didn't mean to take this out on you. I am just not sure how to react. I love my son. I love him more than myself, and seeing him like this is killing me."

"Don't you worry," Jennifer reassured, " James will be fine!"

"Excuse me," a doctor interrupted, earning a glare from Brooke, "We have that room ready, and some test results as well. It seems James' fever has broken, and we have him on an antibiotic to help him recover from the infection. Other than that, James is going to be fine. It is hospital procedure that a suicide attempt is dealt with by 3 days of inpatient therapy, and if he is determined to be be okay, he should be able to leave after that. Don't be surprised if he seems groggy, or tired, the anesthesia we have given him is quite strong."

With that, the doctor was gone, and Brooke breathed a sigh of relief.. Physically, James was going to be okay, now it was time to deal with the mental aspect. James slept as he was wheeled out of his room, and down the hall towards the elevator. His body might be okay, but his spirit still seemed broken. Brooke began to cry softly, for the first time since learning of her son's near death.

"He seemed so broken," she cried, "It was like he wasn't my little boy."

"Mrs. Diamond," Logan spoke up, "James hasn't been your little boy for awhile now. He's grown up and he is in a lot of pain."

"Are you trying to tell me how to parent," she growled, "Because if you are, then maybe I should take him away from this world. I would do it, but I am afraid that would kill him more than anything."

"No," Logan exclaimed, "I just want to prepare you for some of the changes James has been going through,"

"I can handle that myself," she sneered, "I'm his mother, and I am going to be the one to fix him."


	6. Chapter 6

The Conclusion of Big Time Kames Angst

James POV -journal-

It was almost one week since I tried to commit suicide, and now I was back at the Palmwoods. My time at the hospital was really a blur, I was unconscious for most of it. As I exited the limousine, my mother held me tightly, as though the slightest thing would break me. I guess she felt bad for wanting to stay in Minnesota while I was in Los Angeles, and maybe her absence is caused my suicide attempt.

Thankfully, nobody stared at me while I walked through the lobby. If anyone did look my way, I smiled and nodded politely, but I really had no interaction with my fellow hotel guests. My mother held my hand the entire elevator ride, and from the hallway to the Palmwoods. I reached out for the door handle but she grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the door.

"I want to talk to you first," she explained, "I know you're going through a rough time, but you must remember the manners that I taught you. Maintain your dignity, James. Second, whatever is bothering you, we will get to the bottom of it. Last, I know you boys have all been wondering where Kendall is."

"What," I winced when I heard his name, "What do you mean? I just figured he didn't care to see me."

"He went once," my mother revealed, "But since then, nobody has seen him. Jen told me that she got a call from him this morning, and he is back in Minnesota. He quit BTR."

"Of course," I smirked. I was done with this conversation, and I walked quickly into the apartment before my mother could stop me. Mrs. Knight was nowhere to be seen, and Carlos and Logan were huddled together on the couch. I walked quietly by them, because I really didn't feel like talking to them. One safely inside my room, I began to cry really hard. How could Kendall just leave like that? I know he hated me, but it still really hurt. I laid on his bed, and inhaled his scent. It was so masculine, and perfect. I'm not sure how long I laid there, but when I rose his sheets were soaked from my tears. I went into the bathroom, and removed my clothes. After a week, my spray tan had faded, and I was badly in need of a shave. I turned on the water, and stepped into the shower. I scrubbed and scrubbed until my skin was totally exfoliated. I used all Kendalls shampoos, shower gel, and everything he used. I turned off the water and stepped out. I sprayed myself in Kendalls cologne. I smelled almost as intoxicating and amazing as he did, but not quite. I wiped the fog from the mirror, and saw my reflection. I jumped as I saw my face begin to melt away and reveal the reflection of Kendall.

"Hello," mirror Kendall spoke to me, "Remember me?"

"What the fuck," I screamed, "What's happening to me? I'm James, so why do I look like you?"

"Because I killed you," Kendall told me, "And I became you."

"I survived," I pleaded, "You're the one who left. Not me."

"Oh James," I heard Kendall's voice behind me. I turned and there he was. I jumped again. What the hell was going on?

Logan POV

James' return from the hospital was supposed to be a happy occasion, but I couldn't help but feel like things were going to get a lot worse before they got better. Kendall was gone, and Carlos was acting strangely. I think he was shook up because he thought, as I did, that things were finally going to be happy.

"What the fuck," I heard James yell from his room. I scrambled to get off the couch and ran up the stairs to his room, but I'm not entirely sure I was prepared for what I saw. James was dressed like Kendall, including the haircut and cologne, talking to thin air. I tried to remain as quiet as I could, so as to not disturb James. He continued arguing with nobody for a good half hour before he noticed me. Seeing him, head on, for the first time made me jump a little.

"Logan," James stammered, "How long have you been standing there?"

"I've been here long enough," I replied, "Am I talking to James or to Kendall? James, you know he isn't really there, don't you?"

"I don't know," James whimpered, "I feel like I do, but he seemed so real. In my mind, I know he is in Minnesota, but I saw him standing there. Logan, what's happening to me?"

"James," I began, "Was this your first suicide attempt?"

"Yes," James answered honestly, "But not the first time I've wanted to. Logan, for a long time I haven't felt like myself. Sometimes, I'm really happy but then other times, I just want to die."

"I think that you came home to soon," I told him, "And I think we've seen only the beginning of your problems. James, did you ever think that you might be bipolar?"

"What," James exploded, "There is no way that I'm bipolar!"

"You told me that your dad wasn't nice to you," I reasoned, "Is there any chance at all that you inherited it from him?

"Don't you ever compare me to him," James growled in a voice I had never heard before, "I am nothing like that cold son of a bitch. I'm good, I'm nice, and I..."

James sank to the floor, and didn't move. I laid beside him and wrapped my arms around him. I think he finally realized there could be some truth to what I was saying. Under me, he was like a stone. I lifted him, and helped him as we walked downstairs. We sure had a lot to talk to Mrs. Diamond about, but first I had a call to make. I sat James on the couch, and ran off to use the apartment phone.

"Can I please be put through to Dr. Stavros," I told the hospital, "Tell him it's Logan Mitchell." The operator ran off to get him, and he answered relatively quickly, "Dr. Mitchell, my name is Logan Mitchell. I saw your book in a book store, and I think you can help. Is there anyway you can come to the Palmwoods as soon as possible?"

Carlos POV

I didn't believe in anything anymore. I laid on my double bed and stared at the ceiling. I stored every hope I had in believing that things were going to be good again, and then suddenly Kendall was gone. I thought when James came home, things might be normal, but he was hiding away and only let Logan in. If everything could fail, then why should I have faith in me and Logan?

"What the fuck," I heard James scream, and then I heard movement. I opened the bedroom door and saw Logan run into James room. I saw him watch from the doorway, and I stayed silently behind him. James was a terrifying sight, it was almost as though he thought he was Kendall and then I realized that he thought he was talking to Kendall.

"_Kendall," James pleaded, "Please don't be like this, I love you. Maybe you don't feel the same way but we are at least friends. Aren't we?"_

"_I'm fine," he screamed, "You didn't kill me. I'm standing right here."_

"_I'm begging you," he whined, "Please just shut up! Leave me alone! Why are you here?"_

Eventually Logan confronted him. Maybe this was the wrong time to be selfish, but as I watched my boyfriend help James I couldn't help but feel jealous. I know Logan is a good guy, but never had he displayed such compassion before. At least not to me, or Kendall. He held him so sweetly, and stroked his back. The triumphant look in his eye, like he had won, made me feel like I was going to puke all over everything. I narrowed my eyes in the worst glare I could and it the rage felt amazing. This whole time, he had been with me because James was unavailable. I ran down the stairs, and into the living room where the mini-bar was. It was locked, so I kicked the handle until it came open. As pissed as I was, it didn't take long. I grabbed the biggest bottle I could find, and chugged it, then I repeated the process several times over until the whole damn thing was empty. Eventually, I was somehow on the balcony.

"Fuck all of you," I screamed to the sky, "Fuck you Kendall, your lack of balls caused all of this! Fuck you for leaving, and fuck you for being a total asshole! Fuck you Logan, I actually thought you loved me! Talk about being a total asshole! And most of all, fuck you James. You whiney little prick! If you just told Kendall the truth, you'd never wanted to kill yourself in the beginning. Fuck all of you!"

I was finally finished making a complete ass of myself and I was getting cold so I stumbled back into the apartment, and across the living room. I wasn't entirely sure where I was going but when I got to the front door, it seemed like a good idea to open it. I tried hard to stay standing as I walked, but it was not an easy task. I made it to the elevator, and into the lobby. I could hear Bitters yelling at me as I passed through the front hall and out the doors. By the time I was able to make it to the road, my ability to walk increased. The night air felt so freeing, and I could feel myself getting a strength I didn't know before. I'm not sure if this courage was from the alcohol or because I had finally made a decision for myself, but I was enjoying it. On a main road, a car stopped and pulled over.

"Need a ride," some stoner guy asked, "I can take you wherever you want to go."

"Why the fuck not," I laughed as I got into the car. If Kendall could leave, so could I. Now Logan finally had James, what the hell did he need me for? And just like that, I was gone.

Brooke Diamond POV

I don't give a damn what anyone says about me, but I will protect my son at any cost. When I was young, it all seemed so simple. Get a job, get married, have kids. I did it too. I started the largest cosmetics company in the Midwest, I got married, and I had a darling little boy for a somewhere along the line, things got a little messy. How was I supposed to know that my husband was emotionally unstable and felt unfulfilled with his life. How was I supposed to know that he resented me, and therefore resented James. Peter(my ex-husband) was so vibrant, and interesting, when I met him and after we married he sort of seemed to lose his sparkle. He became lackluster and complacent. Finally, I gave up and started spending long hours at the office. I would come home and find James laying on the floor like he was catatonic, and Peter huddled in the corner, crying. Then one day I came home and Peter was standing in the front hallway, bags packed, and divorce papers in hand.

"I'm a horrible father," he stated sadly, "I treat James like shit and I don't make you happy. For that I will always be sorry. It's time I admit my shortcomings and leave before James is eternally screwed up. Brooke, I love you, but the truth is that I am really not well. I am going to get help, after I leave, and then who knows."

I signed the papers and never saw him again. Now, I could see my son having the same problems and I was determined to stop him from going down the same path as his father. I entered the apartment to find it ransacked, and the mini-bar empty. I prayed to God that James had nothing to do with it. On top of everything, we didn't need my son getting drunk. Logan appeared at the top of the stairs, holding James, and looked shocked at the mess.

"What happened," he asked.

"You mean it wasn't James," I replied, "Then I don't know. What's going on?"

"I have a doctor coming over to talk to James," Logan told me and I tensed up.

"You mean to tell me that you are presuming to tell me how to parent my son," I sneered.

"Damn it," Logan yelled as he sat James on the couch, "This isn't about your pride, it's about James. Just please, for the love of God, let this Doctor help him!"

"Okay," I sighed, "You have my consent but if anything happens to my baby, I will hurt you!" I had to be tough, James was my baby. Internally, I knew this was what was best for James, but it was still a bitter pill to swallow. I looked into my sons beautiful brown eyes and finally felt a glimmer of hope that the road to recovery was finally in sight.

The End


End file.
